So The Christmas Do Is Cancelled

Photo by Brett Sayles on

So …. Our Christmas dooooo got cancelled yesterday.

So I felt like I needed to write down my feelings this morning

I was so looking forward to it. We’ve seen precious little of our long distance friends this year.  Myself and the rest of our team work remotely from home across the UK.  We speak regularly on Teams and WhatsApp but when we get together we have a blast.  We’ve done that less than usual this year.  It’s been a challenging year anyway but for our family more than usual with some close family having left us suddenly.  So I was really looking forward to winding down with a couple of days away with my friends and a party .. or two!

But COVID yet again you stepped in to shift my footing.  I was heading south tomorrow and it was cancelled last night.  So I could have saved myself the cost of the makeup I bought yesterday.  I now have a hotel to cancel and all the planning for food for the family while I’m away that I did on my day off yesterday… waste of time.  Then I checked my work emails.  It should have been a wind down week … instead there’s a whole load of %£*! Waiting there for me this morning.

Sounds like I’m moaning.  I am.  I know I should be grateful. And I am. But all this change it plays with your head doesn’t it? Hell yeah.

I’ve seen all the reports, we’re all mentally exhausted after almost two years of floor tilting uncertainty.  But I wanted to share what my feelings have been doing and how I’ve dealt with them using a bit of self coaching and NLP.

So, I was driving home from shopping with the the kids, trying to grab a bit of Christmas, and my watch was buzzing away with WhatsApp messages from work colleague’s.  I couldn’t read them but I knew what was happening CHANGE OF PLAN AGAIN and NO PARTY 😖

Frustrated, disappointed, “it’s not fair”.  My husband said “we’ll at least you haven’t got to drive all that way”.  He was glad! I was glad he was glad to have me home. And I love my home and family, but I was looking forward to a bit of independence, freedom and change of scene to catch up with my buddies.

I knew I was stamping my foot like a spoilt toddler.  Part of me was telling me to ‘grow up’, be grateful for what I’d got.  But it was also that the floor had moved. I felt unbalanced, uncertain and anxious.  And I knew what I had to deal with in my inbox was looming, large loud, angry and red.  Overthinking was kicking in.  All yesterday evening … a feeling in my chest, buzzing, insistent.  I was struggling to hear when I was spoken to, felt sidetracked.  I felt upset but nothing came out. Expectations weighed heavy.  I was tired from shopping but had to go back out for food for tea, then tea to cook, my Aunt to call back, a craft thing to complete with a deadline for today. Overwhelm was looming but I had to keep going.  It was like walking on one of those moving floors in a fun house.

I woke at 3.30am still with a feeling inside.  Ok let’s deal with it.  I took some deep breaths and started to analyse NLP style.  So I knew my thoughts that were revolving around my head like a stuck record.  Exaggerating everything.  I was mind reading and predicting how bad tomorrow was gonna be.  A thought and feeling has a meaning and also a visual attached to it and it sits somewhere in your body or around you.

It was orange to rose gold in colour, like a shape changing mass in my upper chest.  It moved fast like a reforming cloud stretching from shoulder to shoulder.  It was uncomfortable to focus on but I wanted it the hell out so I had to.

I acknowledged the feelings and asked myself what I wanted to feel like? Calm popped into my head.  So what does that look like?  I saw an image of spreading a green substance on a flat smooth surface.  It could have been the texture of butter but felt more like soft fondant icing.  I spread it to about the size of an A4 sheet.  It was a dark emerald green.  Weird eh? But this is my subconscious talking to me.  It was smooth, quiet, still.  In my mind I placed this image on my chest.  Immediately the noise from the orange mist was quieter, it muffled the movement too.  I breathed easier.  I must have dozed then but I woke to an image of a sunflower in a blue sky.  I placed the image of that on my chest and felt much better. And I’m holding that sunflower with blue sky, bobbing in the wind and the soft green below on my chest this morning.  I feel better.  I’m in control again.  It’ll take some holding but I’ve got this at the moment.  Let’s go one moment at a time.

But I still anticipate the loud, shouty emails and feel anxious.  So I turn up the colour and size of the sunflower image.  It’s big in my mind and so bright.  And the email sender …. We’ll I’ve shrunk her.  She’s off to the side in my mind, I’ve turned the volume down, she’s ranting away silently 🤣 she’s small and grey and irrelevant.  I’ll deal with her properly and efficiently, it is my job after all, but in my mind I’ve put her in her place at the size of her importance in my world.

So I’m breathing easier and I’m smiling this morning.

If you need a talk through to help you breath and smile easier get in touch 😊

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